One of the elements of being able to focus is managing distractions. Have you ever stopped to think where those distractions come from? External distractions are seemingly obvious – the ringing phone or the unexpected caller. Internal distractions are more subtle. How often have you spent time and effort on planning to achieve something in a given time and
ended up doing something completely different or worse still, achieving nothing much?

Sometimes we’re not even aware that these internal distractions are operating. An internal distraction starts with a thought. Anyone who practices, or has even attempted, meditation will know that it is impossible to stop thoughts from entering our consciousness. These thoughts can help to mould us into the emotional beings that we are and are often the spark to our tinder of creativity. They can also be distracting.

Stephen Covey talks about the paradigm of being response-able. Being response-able means that we have powerful and personal choices in who we are and what we do. This paradigm can be applied to big picture things such as life-meaning and purpose and it can also be applied to the day-to-day, nitty-gritty of getting stuff done.

Modern neuroscience tells us through the wonder of Functional MRI brain scanning that there is a delay of approximately half a second between having a thought and reacting to that thought. Nature has given us that gap in which to make a choice. We can follow that thought or we can let it go. If we follow the thought it might mean that we daydream for a while or it might mean that we stop what we’re doing and do something else. Either way
we will not be focussed on what we set out to achieve.

This ability to choose whether we respond or not can also be described as our ability to veto and it is this veto power that gives us a valuable tool and skill in managing distractions. It takes mindful awareness and a skilled internal ‘director’ to use this power of veto and this is a skill that can be practiced using mindfulness or yoga.

Equally useful is a pen and a notebook. Sometimes the thoughts that come to us can be creative and inspiring and it would be a shame just to let them go. Writing down the essence of those thoughts and reflecting on them later will help you to capture their creativity and reflect on them later. You might not even have to read your notes to recall them. Writing them down will also allow you to return to the task in hand and to enjoy the satisfaction of achieving.

In summary, not all distractions come from our environment. A lot (some would say most if not all) of our distractions are created from within us. But just because thoughts don’t have an off-switch it doesn’t mean that we can’t manage them. With good self-awareness, a reliable pen and a small notebook we can get the best of both worlds of creativity and focus.

Lisa enjoyed life for the most part. She had a wide circle of friends and she was a keen sportswoman. All the people she socialised with saw her as confident and competent. Her friends, if asked about Lisa’s communication style would say that she stated her ideas, and what she wanted, clearly and confidently. They also noticed that she listened to them and respected their views. At work it …was a different story; Lisa just couldn’t say no to her boss. It meant that she took on work that there was no hope of completing in normal working hours and she had to work at home in the evenings and weekends. Her friends had begun to notice that she wasn’t so bubbly.

Paul enjoyed his job. He had a good relationship with his boss and he felt well supported by his colleagues and team members. There was one area that he found difficult though. He was responsible for negotiating with suppliers and he dreaded the time when he had to sit round the table. It always seemed like he stumbled through the meeting and he felt drained afterwards. It was a similar picture when his partner encouraged him to complain about the food on a recent night out. It caused an argument on what should have been a celebration.

Have you ever been in situations where you felt that you had no control? What would it have looked like if you had been more assertive? ‘Being Assertive: a practical guide;’ is a one-day interactive workshop that will give you the knowledge, skills and confidence to be assertive in almost any situation. The workshop will cover:

• A definition of assertiveness and what it means to be assertive.
• A range of assertiveness techniques.
• An opportunity to practice being assertive in a safe environment.
• A plan of action to fit your new skills into your life.

This course is a unique collaboration between Steve Kennedy of Clear Coach and Julian Hall of Beating Anger. Steve is a professional business coach who has worked with businesses from one man start up operations to multi nationals such as BAE Systems. Julian Hall is an Anger Management and Conflict Management specialist who has been widely used on BBC Radio Derby, BBC Radio Scotland and TalkSport Radio. Between them they have designed and will deliver this transformational course.

Assertiveness is a much talked about subject. It is rarely done this well.

Workshop Title: Being Assertive: A Practical Guide
Date and Time: Thursday 28th April, 9.00am to 4.30pm
Venue: Friar Gate Studios, Ford Street, Derby, DE1 1EE
Cost: £97 + VAT
Places Limited to: 12

Each course place comes with a Free Half Hour Follow-up Coaching Session.

For more information and to guarantee your place call Steve on 01332 258373 or Julian on 0845 505 2450.

Reading time: 3 minutes.

One of thethings I nearly always do during coaching sessions is encourage my clients to own any statements they make by using ‘I’ and ‘me’ rather than ‘you’ and ‘they.’ My insistence that they use the first person is often met with confusion and sometimes with mild resistance. Some even find it a little uncomfortable because it brings home to them what they are actually saying. Consider the following statements, spoken by the same person talking about themselves:

“When you get upset you can’t function properly.”

“When I get upset I can’t function properly.”

The first statement is a generalisation, ie it is not specific and it serves the purpose of deflecting reality by applying it to everyone. The second statement is specific to the person speaking.  ‘So what?’ I hear you say. Well, by owning the statement it encourages self-awareness and acceptance of what is actually happening. After accepting the actuality it is then possible to make a choice or at least be curious.  What is it that’s upsetting me? What does functioning properly mean?  How could I avoid getting upset?  Is being upset the right response?

Self-awareness and simple ‘I’ statements form the foundation of basic assertiveness.  ‘I feel nervous,’ ‘I feel happy,’ ‘I feel proud,’ are all basic assertive ‘I’ statements. They give others a sense of what is happening for you whilst at the same time they are free to state how they feel.

A similarly assertive person might respond with how they feel and/or with empathy for your feelings. A non-assertive, aggressive person might respond with sarcasm whilst a non-assertive, passive person might just ignore what you’ve said. A non-assertive passive-aggressive person might complain about how things are for them and try to make you feel guilty about the feelings you have.

The first response accepts and acknowledges the reality of what is happening; all of the others ignore it. Are you assertive?

In the title of this blog I invited you to spot the ‘i’ in assertiveness.  Assertiveness is a 13-letter word and the letter i is letter number 7 – exactly at the centre. The first step towards
being assertive is being aware of, and accepting, your feelings; the second step is to communicate them. It also helps to know that an aggressive, silent or angst-ridden response is not assertiveness – it’s a cry for help.

By listening to the crew and the leadership of the boat, and by accepting that some of his attempts weren’t fitting the bill, he managed to come up with a brilliant solution. The boundaries he had to work in were tight, especially the financial ones – a little over £2 per submariner per day! That’s a bit of a contrast to what his customers usually pay. It was also made crystal clear by the skipper that there were to be no bottles of liquid nitrogen or any other fancy tricks in the boat’s galley.

The solution that he came up with was essentially up-market boil-in-the-bag aimed at catering for the 100+ men on board the boat. What was impressive was the way he reached that conclusion and how readily it was accepted by the crew and ultimately the Royal Navy. What it meant was that the crew could eat fresh-from-frozen, nutritious food for much longer into their spells at sea. Senior Navy commanders were even talking about the possibility of being able to extend the length of time that the boats could stay at sea. The potential financial savings for the Navy (and us) are massive.

So why have I been moved to write about it? Heston very definitely took a coaching and authentic leadership approach to his mission:

He examined the reality, good and bad, of the situation.
He listened to the stakeholders.
He tested possible solutions and gathered evidence.
He listened to the stakeholders.
He re-examined the situation and gathered more evidence.
He listened to the stakeholders.
He remained solution-focused.
He showed empathy and made sure that he maintained excellent relationships.
He listened to the stakeholders.

Another connection with coaching is as an example where a small change has the potential to make a big difference. Well done Heston!

Aggressive behaviour is not assertive just as much as submissive behaviour is not assertive. Assertiveness is a style of communication that allows us to express our thoughts, feelings, opinions and beliefs without violating the rights of others to do exactly the same. Aggressive communication violates the rights of others whilst submissive communication violates our own rights. There is also another form of communication and behaviour which is non-assertive and it is termed passive-aggressive communication. Do you know anyone who slams doors or sulks?

Because assertive behaviour and communication involves respecting the rights of all those involved it doesn’t necessarily follow that assertiveness will get you what you want. What it will mean is that you will know why you may not be getting what you want and you will be happy about it. It may also mean that you are getting something better than you wanted in the first place.

Healthy, mutual assertiveness is the foundation of win/win. In a business context, or any negotiation, when you know that you are being assertive and you sense that the other party is being aggressive or passive you can exercise your right to walk away. As Stephen Covey puts it, “Go for win/win or no deal.”

The ability to be assertive gives us choice. We don’t have to rely on habits and patterns and we can be more in the moment and present when communicating with others. That doesn’t mean that we have to be assertive all the time and we have the right to make mistakes. Not responding assertively to an aggressive party-goer on a Saturday night would be perfectly reasonable. If you were tired and stressed and you snapped at a friend or colleague it doesn’t mean that you’ve crossed over to the dark side, it just means that you were tired and stressed.

Everyone can be assertive and the first step is to be aware of your communication style. That style can vary with context. If you want to be more assertive at work ask a trusted friend or colleague how they would assess your communication style. If you find something you want to change start with small things and see how they feel. Small changes can make a big difference. For example basic assertion includes making simple ‘I’ statements. ‘I need to be away by 3 o’clock.’ And ‘I enjoyed your talk today,’ are basic assertive communication.

In summary: notice how others communicate, be aware of how you communicate, be assertive when you can, and get that win/win!

A few months ago I had a meeting with a very successful, local business owner where he described how he had got to the position he now enjoyed.  One of the significant factors was his attitude to risk.  He described how he needed risk in order to achieve and he explained how risk, excitement and success all seemed to go together.  He went on to say that whenever he takes a risk he always had a parachute to ensure he had a soft landing.

 It can be a human tendency to focus on the dark side of risk.  “What are the dangers and what will I lose?” are questions that we can repeatedly ask ourselves in a risky situation.  It often means that we shy away from the very actions and decisions that will take us closer to fulfilment and success.

 Another human trait is a preference for certainty.  Risk creates uncertainty and we want to move away from that threat.  In focusing on the threat we often ignore what will stay constant.  The list of things that could stay the same include:

• Health.
• Skills.
• Knowledge.
• Experience.
• Attitude.
• Enthusiasm.
• Character.
• Values.
• Plans.
• Motivation.
• Love and support from family, friends and partners.
• Overall financial security.
• Physical security.

 The list could be endless and will vary with each individual.  When taking a risk which one will be your parachute?  If things don’t work out your parachute will ensure your soft landing.

 When assessing a risk it is vital to decide the things that you definitely won’t endanger.  You wouldn’t want to go into free-fall with a missing or damaged parachute.  You might say “I won’t risk my health.” or “I will maintain the love and support to and from my family.”

So, when facing a risk, choose your parachute, protect it, strap it on tightly, and take the leap.

www.clearcoach.co.uk

steve@clearcoach.co.uk